Heart Flow

By: Gabriela Yareliz

“You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.” Rumi

It has been such a difficult year, this 2016. It has been a mess. To give credit where credit is due, there have been a fair share of miracles.

This year has mostly been characterized, however, by the twist in your stomach, heart shattered feeling that has become all too familiar. My face has felt numb more times than I can count. You know– that feeling where you try to blink back tears and your cheeks feel like they weigh 40lbs. each. If I had a dollar for every time I heard my voice breaking…

The stress has been heavy. I have to continually pray and decide whether I will drop off my burdens with God or continue lugging them. Unfortunately, I make these decisions once I feel exhausted from lifting such heavy weights.

There have been weird uncertainties and more awkward conversations than I can count. Disappointment has been a defining factor. Hope continues to spring up, in spite of harsh realities. I read a quote today that said that fearlessness is when faith outweighs fears…

Is this a weird vent session? It may certainly sound like it. Hilariously, I thought I was past that point after month 4 of 2016.

My cheeks feel heavy as I write this.

As I was waiting for the train this evening, all I could think about was how broken my little heart feels. That terrible feeling you get when you feel like you are losing a bunch of things, and you get the rug pulled out from under you. You feel like the kid who falls, knees first, on concrete and on top of that scrapes his hands.

It’s not so much everything changing or lost. Whatever. More of that will come and go. It’s not even about the wonderful things worth celebrating. There are always amazing things to celebrate and be grateful for. This post is really just about the pain felt, despite the gratitude and despite the sense of loss that may not be permanent. There is a weird in-between state where you are just standing there, wondering.

Sometimes, you are just a human whose heart aches. It aches for tragedy; it aches because of change; it just aches without a reason at all. And that’s just how it is. You feel because you are human.
Heart aching.

Rumi states that our heart has to keep breaking so that it can be open. I was thinking about that as I waited for the train. I kept thinking of all the times I felt that ache or heard the shatter. Sometimes the shatter rattles you to the bone.

Open means open, though. No blockage. Things can enter AND exit. Like an open hand. Things can land in it and things can fall.

It makes sense. I guess I can’t help but wonder whether the heart is like the hand. Is there a time when you can fully grasp and hold on tight, promising not to let go? Or is the heart always pumping out what has flowed in?

Thursday Badinage: May 19, 2016

I am stuck in a long line that is not moving. So painful. So, I thought I would catch up on some reading materials. I saw this quote on the lovely Kusha Alagband’s Instagram.

“I am not quite sure if I believe in the Law of Attraction. There were things I wanted in my life that no amount of positive thinking was going to make it a reality for me. However, I think the law of tough love is making more sense to me these days. Life has thrown a few curve balls my way… I did what anyone would do.. prayed and meditated for the outcome I wanted, but God was tough and only gave me what I needed. I now realize that life is not about fulfilling a wish list; rather a need list. Good and bad experiences are ahead of all of us. How else does a person change, grow and evolve? And just like any warrior woman, I won’t simply survive– but thrive and so will you.” @KushaAlagband

I am in court. Two toddler girls became friends. One girl was sad she had to go without a proper goodbye from her new friend. Amazing. Little kids fostering friendships in a place filled with so much anger, racism, sexism and sadness. It was a weirdly emotional reminder to the rest of us dying in this eternal line…

Reflections Before Bedtime #86

By: Gabriela Yareliz

I hope we can remember, as Job did, that God’s majesty is unsearchable… “By His power He stilled the sea…” (Job 26:12)

Job basically says that as long as we have breath in us, the spirit of God is in our nostrils (Job 27:3). May we hold fast to wisdom and hold on to His mighty hand.

For it is by His light that we walk through darkness. (Job 29:3)

 

Monday Inspiration: May 16, 2016

By: Gabriela Yareliz

Some stuff that has made me smile over the past few days…

“And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.”
After the Storm, Mumford & Sons

“I saw you with tears in your eyes, I saw you with laughter in your heart, and I loved you all the more because of who you are. Just as I love the you that is cloaked in the beauty of the day and the you that is covered in the unknowns of the night, I love you with all that is in me.
I love not a thought, I love you, and all the things that make you, you.
Time will make strangers of us all, but I know that we shall be together, remembering the warmth that comes with our kisses and the reassurance that we are walking hand and hand toward something lasting and good.”
T.B. LaBerge // I love you and I miss you

“Dreams help me find the words I haven’t said…” ElektraRecords

“How often have I said to you, that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however impossible, must be truth.” Sherlock Holmes

A Love That Seeks

By: Gabriela Yareliz

This morning, I was reading about how God loves and pursues us. The way He romances our souls and goes after us.

“Marriage stands for the creation of unity among two people who were once separated in every way before love reached out and found the other– the way God reached out and found us, and covenanted with us, and loved us, and despite who we are, despite what we’re like, still loves us.” Fervent, by Priscilla Shrier, pg. 76

“Sometimes love isn’t firecrackers. Sometimes love just comes softly.” Janette Oke

“I never, till now, had a friend who could give me repose; all have disturbed me, and, whether for pleasure or pain, it was still disturbance. But peace overflows from your heart into mine.” – Nathaniel Hawthorne, letter to Sophia Hawthorne

“I will love you forever; whatever happens. Till I die and after I die. And when I find my way out of the land of the dead, I’ll drift about forever, all my atoms, till I find you again…” Phillip Pullman

“In true love, we don’t play hide and seek.. Instead we seek one another!” 💙🙏 @KushaAlagband

God is the ultimate seeker. He never gives up. He keeps going until He finds us. He conquered death and has our names engraved on His palms. He infuses peace in our souls. He is love; and love is patient and kind. It never fails.